By Tina Smith, LPC, M.Ed.

Work it out if you can listen to each other with true validation.
Work it out if seeking forgiveness is a humbling process, and the process of truly forgiving is possible, especially when hearts or wounded.
Work it out if emotional and physical abusive cycles have been acknowledged and eliminated.
Work it out if God is the center, because He provides a framework to make it work.

Why This Question Is So Hard

The rate of failing relationships seems to be exploding. I would like to shed a ray of hope to those that are finding the courage to fix it. It is important to act before it is too late, if at all possible. Couples often do not know where to start. Nevertheless, what matters most is starting.

It takes two people to begin fixing problems. If one person is trying to fix the relationship while the other is uncooperative, it is challenging. Worse, if one has decided to check out, it feels directionless. It is like having a road map with no signs and one road leading to nowhere. Along that road are pit stops of loneliness, frustration, hopelessness, fear, and isolation.

These are emotions expressed in many counseling sessions. They come from couples willing to work it out. They also come from individuals trying everything they can not to lose something they once cherished.

The Fork in the Road

I use road map metaphors often. In this one, couples eventually make it to a fork in the road. At this fork, there are two paths with signs that read Work It Out Avenue and Get Out Highway.

If you find yourself at this fork, I pray that you invite God to join you. Do so whether your significant other is with you or not. At this point, each path requires support and guidance. Get Out Highway can feel just as scary as Work It Out Avenue. Both paths have many unknowns.

What “Work It Out” Really Looks Like

Work It Out Avenue has roundabouts and roadblocks where road work is being done. These often lead couples into circles and repeated patterns. Nonetheless, with the right guidance, old patterns can be broken.

The patterns that show up most often are poor communication skills. This sounds cliche, but it is usually the first thing that needs repair. Both are talking without truly hearing each other. One has shut down completely. They are tired of talking and exhausted from walking in circles—back to the roundabout.

Real repair begins with compassion towards each other. It involves truly listening to the heart without feeling attacked. It also means not being ready to attack. From there, focus on the potholes that created misalignment initially. These include unresolved hurt, misunderstanding, and unmet needs. Also important is addressing the lack of seeking forgiveness and the effort required for truly forgiving.

Finally Repair requires the willingness to compromise and the patience to stay engaged long enough for change to take root.

When You Need Support

I pray that you can work it out. But if you are struggling, it is helpful to talk with someone you trust for support. They can’t tell you what to do, but they can help you gain perspective. Lastly, I pray that you invite God’s presence for guidance towards wisdom and peace.

With compassion,
Tina Smith, LPC, M.Ed.
Co-Founder, Branches of Hope Wellness